top of page
Solar Eclipse

Bold Evolution: A Birth Story



In a nutshell: Bold Evolution is a soul-led therapy practice that was born out of an existential crisis.


Yep…that’s pretty much it.


But, I suppose I'll share a little more detail.


A few years ago I started dreaming of a therapy practice that centered on the soul and its journey beyond diagnosis and labels I’d learned in school. I knew I wanted to bring astrology into the mix for those seeking that language. I also had dreams of creating a community, workshops, maybe training and supervision to other therapists. I had a vision of creating a bridge between these modalities. Dreams:


Then came a name. Bold reminded me of the fire element- energy, action, passion- in this case being directed towards our own personal evolution and connection to something greater. Insert: Bold Evolution. Name:

 

 I was crushing it so far!


What I hadn’t accounted for was how my body would respond to the process of bringing this dream into existence. Bringing the vision to reality would require having to put myself out there and be witnessed (e.g. writing a blog. THE TERROR!). The imposter syndrome was (and still can be) crushing at times. I began questioning if I was spiritual enough, brave enough, well versed-enough. The normal doubting mind chatter became a complete aversion to moving forward. I was facing the reality that I had been keeping much of myself in hiding and I’d gotten rather comfy there.


As I was beginning to really acknowledge parts of me that I’d been suppressing (very effectively, I may add), all the horrific things going on in the world started coming into focus as well (I was really good at avoiding those too). During this time, I was also doing the most: working multiple jobs at all hours of the day, primary parent to my two young children, trying to stay present and connected in my marriage, the list goes on.


Ya know, the universe can be cheeky sometimes- it’s almost as if our internal reality and external experience mirror each other. Everywhere I looked, inward or outward, I was experiencing fatigue, grief, a lack of control- total disconnection.  

Call it what you will, an existential crisis, a dark night of the soul; It came for me. It was many years in the making but occurred exactly when it was supposed to (I’ll spare the astrology details for now, but my natal chart has the receipts).



I feel so connected to the idea of this being a birth story because the space I entered had an eerie familiarity to the transitional time in childbirth. It was a descent. In the liminal space between two realities, there is a desperate longing to stay in the familiar but a deep knowing that you’re heading somewhere else. Moments before my children were born, I remember wanting them in my arms, but desperately wanting to go back. To just keep them in my womb a little longer. During my daughters birth I remember repeating, “I can’t do it, I can’t do it, I can’t do it.”


But I was doing it.


I didn’t have another option but to surrender. Despite my resistance, within a few breath cycles, one of my greatest teachers was born.


Fast forward and there I was again. In that same space questioning my capabilities. Resisting. I was thinking I’d have to quit my job(s) and hide in my house for the rest of my life. I was convinced something snapped in my brain and I could no longer continue as a functioning person. My inner dialogue: How can you possibly be a therapist? A mother? Look at yourself. I felt shame, fraudulent, terrified. The anxiety and intrusive thoughts were beyond anything I'd experienced before. Nothing felt sustainable; a feeling like everything could dissolve at any moment.


In hindsight, this transitional time was like the rinse and spin cycle in a washing machine- cleaning me up and wringing me out. I was being prepared for what was coming. Where I felt like I’d been drop kicked into a dark pit, I was actually being placed back on my path.



I was remembering who I was.  


But there was no way for me to know all of this then. I was just putting one foot in front of the other for many months. Setting aside anything I had planned to do out of sheer lack of energy and capacity.


Slowly, very slowly, I started to come back to the surface. It took being brutally honest with myself, asking for help, a lot of sleep, a lot of “no,” and a lot of surrender. I was guided back into my own therapy. I had to work on finding a sense of home within my body. I spent a lot of time alone. I studied my natal chart. I PUT MY PHONE DOWN. I cried so, so, much.


I can see so clearly now that I was being asked to acknowledge the darkness within myself and within the world. I had been trying to bypass all of the pain within me and the collective. It was a call to acknowledge and illuminate the shadow and integrate it. I didn’t have to be perfect, but I had to be whole.


 Let me say that again:

I didn’t have to be perfect, but I had to be whole.


And I want to be clear, for me, this cycle hasn’t ended. Its evolving, ongoing, all the time. To this day there are people in my close orbit who would be surprised to hear of my struggle. Masking remains a skill of mine that I'm working to unlearn. I’m constantly catching myself resisting, avoiding, looking away, blaming the world. The difference is that now I can recognize the humanity within myself when I’m in these patterns. I’m not broken or fraudulent. I’m a soul in a body, just like you. And it can be incredibly gut wrenching to be on this planet.


It was through this painful awakening and integration that the real mission of Bold Evolution was born. The space I wanted to create had to be a space where wholeness is the baseline. Where authenticity reigns supreme, and we can boldly choose it again and again. Where we can celebrate our unique path of evolution and watch how reconnecting to our soul grows into connection with the world around us. Where we can all be exactly who we are, no more and no less.



            This is very much my own evolution playing out in real time. I’m walking this path right alongside so many and am approaching whatever or whoever is heading my way with an open heart and a curious mind.


            If you’ve made it this far, thank you for seeing me. I'm hoping to see you soon as well. And maybe I'll write another blog.


 

Artwork:

Unnamed Claudine Perrone

"Spirtual Birth" by Claudine Perrone

"The Tower" by Catrin Welz-Stein

"Spirit Weavers" by Tamara Phillips

댓글


bottom of page